Aries: You are advised to take plenty of pain killers before leaving for bridge on Wednesday. Trust me, you're going to need them.
Taurus: Pass is a call, not a bid. Thanks, wiseguy.
Gemini: While being dummy, you will notice that the ceiling of the club could do with a new coat of paint. This revelation concerns you far more that partner's pathetic attempt at making his contract.
Cancer: Bridge is to Rummy as Chess is to what? If you can figure this out, then you'll be set up for a really good week.
Leo: Every time you address your opponent tonight, you will follow it with "...if that is really your name."
Virgo: The best opening bid is not always the text-book bid. This will be especially true on Wednesday, when you realise that the textbook you were referring to is actually a manual on grooming horses.
Libra: You find out about the 3rd great 'What if?' of bridge on Thursday. The 1st, 'What if your team-mates were better players?' and the 2nd 'What if your partner was a better player?' you have known for some time. The final 'What if?', you realise, is closer to home.
Scorpio: Ruff, low to partner's ace, ruff and the slam is 2 off. But it wouldn't be fair on your opponents if I told you which suit partner has to lead.
Sagittarius: You will pick up K J 10 9 7 5 5 7 5 K 7 6 5 on the first board of Wednesday's session. Try to look surprised: we don't want to give the game away.
Capricorn: Repeat after me: The fact that you have gotten no cards all week is not a government conspiracy. The freemasons have nothing to do with it. It's just bad luck.
—yes, Grand Pontiff, we've quashed the rumour—
Aquarius: There is no need to keep looking over your shoulder tonight because your enemies are more imaginary than real. Yes, you've wandered into Mrs Crabtree's beginners class again.
Pisces: The new moon on the twelfth falls in the most upwardly mobile area of your chart. With the diplomatic Venus and erudite Mercury highlighting partner issues too, you will find it surprisingly easy to earn the respect of your bridge peers and other influential people.