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Aries: Q: Which is the odd one out: Gerber, Cocaine or Stayman?
A: Stayman. You announce Stayman, when you bid it, but you don't announce Gerber, or that you snort coke.

Taurus: You have that 'we'll meet again' feeling as you leave the London congress. Maybe that's because you'll see, basically, exactly the same people at Brighton, and then at the Autumn congress, and then the year end event...

Gemini: Do you feel like an outlaw at the moment? Are you having a shootout in the street at noon, heat blazing and pistols loaded? No... oh sorry, my bad, I mistook you for 'Texas Red'. Must be all those criminal vulnerable vs. non-vulnerable jump overcalls you make on jack-high suits.

Cancer: So the hand record says that you can make 10 tricks in spades on board 17 — but what would it know? Double dummy play and defence are assumed, you know, and NOBODY plays or defends that well...

Leo: You will finally get round to writing up your convention card and e-mailing it to partner today (about time too)! He will, no doubt, be a little bit annoyed by your insistence on playing reverse count and reverse attitude signals. But stand firm — once he has given in, the many poor boards you will receive in defence will be his fault for getting the carding wrong.

Virgo: For the next month or so you will be susceptible to temptation. Don't put yourself in a vulnerable situation — insist that you play natural methods for this time period or you will spend a lot of time using your pet conventions on really inappropriate hands.

Libra: Take a punt this week and you will be pleasantly surprised. This applies as much to slam bidding as the 4.15 at York, both of which will work out well if you make the right choices.

Scorpio: You shouldn't make tough decisions when tired, and Wednesday night will be full of them, so get a good night's sleep in before playing. On the other hand, parliamentarians make tough decisions when they're half-witted, corrupt and drunk, so maybe you should party all night Tuesday...

Sagittarius: As club captain, you will have to pick a team for the county trophy teams and, like the England football team manager, you will not be able to please everyone with your selection. The similarities don't end there either: like him, most people will brand you an idiot regardless of the outcome (you won't be paid five million quid for the privilege though).

Capricorn: On Monday, you get a couple of good boards, followed by a complete bottom on several of the rounds. Your partner will refer to this as 'the bridge club shocker' — it's getting two fingers in the right place and then one complete stinker. There is something mischievous about this, but you can't quite put your finger on what it is...

Aquarius: Some reading might be in order this week, and it really should be on declarer play. The problem is that 'Kelsey on Squeeze Play' is awfully long and complicated, while 'Bridge in the Menagerie' is short and fun.

Pisces: This is a time for forgiveness. Real or imagined transgressions need to be put behind you. And note that people are not, and never were taking the Mickey out of you for playing Benjaminised Acol.