Horoscopes

Day 57

Aries: If only Douglas Hofstadter played our game. Then we'd all have Goren, Teshome, Brock: An Eternal Golden Bridge on our shelves.

Taurus: Every single person who happened to be born between April 20th and May 20th will, tonight, find either a) true eternal happiness or, b) the

Q.

Gemini: Board 49 was interesting. 3

can be made, but not 3

. A good hand for playing in the ten card fit, rather than the three card one.

Cancer: Tropic of Cancer, eh. What a book. I bet you're proud of your star sign.

Leo: Call in sick today. Go on. Your new copy of Fishbein For Advanced Players arrived and you're dying to tuck in.

Virgo: if ($bid =~ m/([3-7][DHS]|[3-7]NT|[6-7]C)/) {print "Don't bid $bid! That's awful!";}

Libra: 5323? 2731? 6322? 2434? 1435? Damn it, that's my five tries — the bloody machine just ate my debit card!

Scorpio: poorbridge.com comes with a 10 year warranty; 10 anni di garanzia; Garantia de 10 años; Garantie 10 Ans; 10 let záruka.

Sagittarius:

(Today's horoscope is written in secret code ink. To reveal what it says, just dab some lemon juice on your screen and apply a gentle heat.)

Capricorn: Is there any nicer biscuit than Tesco's Finest Triple Choc Shortbread? Jeez, we're really running out of things to say in this section, aren't we.

Aquarius: Poorbridge.com is an enclosed public space so I'm afraid you're not allowed to smoke here any more.

Pisces: A stopped clock is right twice a day, which is more than you can say for the English Camrose team. And that's what we call satire, folks.