Horoscopes

Day 19

Aries: You're happy, vibrant, mentally focused and feeling good about your bridge game and life in general. A pity, then, that you're visiting your parents in Nigeria for two weeks. Now, where was that Oware board?

Taurus: Why is it that all the best partners are already taken? If only you were a stunning blonde with a fantastic figure and sparkling blue eyes to match, then you'd be able to get a good partner no problem, you will think to yourself on Thursday. But watch those thoughts — as your star passes through the moon quadrant, transvestism's call will be strong and you must discipline your thoughts.

Gemini: A pretty exchange student from Poland turned up at the club tonight with a pickup partner and you have arranged to have a game next Wednesday. Perhaps, in hindsight, telling her you were an expert at WJ05 wasn't such a good idea — you have a lot of reading to do in the next week.

Cancer: The day dreaming at work really must stop, and there is only one way to flush those fantasies out: add up the scores from the last ten sessions and realise that your average really is 'just 50%'. No, you won't win the Gold cup next year, making the grand slam on a double squeeze that swings the final. Be more realistic and try to win the club knockout, maybe. At least the fantasy of winning because you bid all your making games might actually happen.

Leo: Eating fruit at the bridge table is not a bad thing in general — it can be a quick source of energy and helps keep your blood sugar up for maximum concentration. Maybe the watermelon wasn't such a good idea, though?

Virgo: Bleak is the future — black is the sky. This sounds like more of your son's angst-filled poetry, but it actually refers to a camping trip to Bleak Law in Scotland, where the night sky will be undisturbed by artificial light. Your angst-filled life, however, will interpret this as a bad omen on the chances of making any contracts on Wednesday and thus you won't actually bid anything at any point.

Libra: While reading Proust's In Search of Lost Time, you'll suddenly remember the discussion you had with partner last month about reading at the bridge table and how it interfered severely with your declarer play.

Scorpio: Why do bad things happen to good people, and why do you bad people always seem to win in this crazy world? Why do good pre-empts get doubled while filthy 5-card ones generate tops? Why do lead dependant 3NT contracts make when good 4

contracts fail? Can there really be a God when these things happen daily? To answer these questions in turn: you should have doubled it, your leads suck, and yes there can be.

Sagittarius: Half a bottle of tequila makes you feel good. Bridge makes you feel good. Surely putting them both together would be a perfect combination? Well of course! Unless you're the type of stick-in-the-mud results merchant who finds 30% sessions objectionable.

Capricorn: Am I obnoxious and rude? Are you old fashioned and misinformed? Should we argue about it, or have an uneasy stand off? OK can we agree that using 2NT as something other than natural is allowed in the rules, but no, I shouldn't have gloated about the result?

Aquarius: They announced the Cumbria Tollemache team last night and yet again you weren't chosen. Here are some suggestions to boost your chances next year: a) stop leading from Jxxx when you have other suits headed by three consecutive honours, b) stop reversing on 5-4 12 counts, and c) stop responding 3NT when you have 4 card support for your partner's major opening. It might also be nice if you travelled up from Hampshire for some bridge every once in a while.

Pisces: Let me tell you about desire: it's when you want something really badly. Now let me tell you about lasciviousness. No actually, let me tell you about the 5

contract I played last night. You see, I really wanted to make it so I played it as well as I could, but sadly I went off. I didn't just stare, drop-jawed , at dummy, admiring the tenace that the heart queen and ten created.