Horoscopes
Day 34
Aries: Today you will fall in love with one of the players at the local club. The resulting chaos due to one twelth of all bridge players suddenly getting amorous will cause several deaths and a whole lot of embarrassment.
Taurus: Your performances will take a nosedive next week, just as the main national congress starts. Bad luck, or a result of a 200 mile drive followed by a huge drinking session on the first night? Who knows?
Gemini: Please stop writing to the great and the good with your insane ideas about how the laws of bridge might be changed to make the game simpler and more accessible to newcomers. Write them to us, so we can ridicule you for the entertainment of the world!
Cancer: You will go into the tank on Thursday night when declaring an unmakable 3NT contract. Save yourself the stress, trouble and time by simply going off quickly with dignity, rather than pretending that staring at the cards for three minutes will somehow let you make.
Leo: Pride comes before a fall. God opposes the proud, but gives his grace to the humble. My prediction: you're going to have a bad week, and that's before we even start to consider the arrogance...
Virgo: After a few drinks the world is ready to be changed for the better. After a few more, and some disrupted sleep, the world is ready to go away and never come back. So life is revealed to be a balance. Just like there is a balance to be struck between being aggressive and opening 2 with 9 8 6 5 3.
Libra: Love is in the air! Fortunately, that doesn't affect the balance of Oxygen, Nitrogen and other minor gaseous elements in the air; so breathing, declaring and bidding will continue unaffected. Defence will be a problem, however, as there is no defence to falling in love.
Scorpio: It's late and I'm angry. Tomorrow I'll be sorry for writing this. But really, you played like a complete **** tonight, and it was a complete waste of my time.
Sagittarius: It's easier to leave than to be left behind. Another hard week then, but bare this in mind: everyone is born, lives a while and then dies and returns to dust. No, that doesn't make things any better, but at least everyone is at your level now.
Capricorn: After the holidays it's back to work. Does this mean less time for bridge? Not at all! If means less time for the things that you really should be doing instead.
Aquarius: After a moment's reflection it will occur to you that bidding 5 was a mistake, especially in a pairs game. But your embarrassment will be offset by partner's decision to bid 6, because it is a pairs game.
Pisces: Please start opening your longest suit, rather than worrying about rebids on 4-5 hands and opening the four bagger. You know who you are.