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Aries: Explaining your partner's bids to confused opponents would be much easier if you weren't so confused about his bids yourself. Just explain what your agreements are, including in your statement that you have implicitly agreed to be confused yourself.

Taurus: You must learn to judge partner's bidding 'in context'. For example, the context of the bidding next Thursday will be three pints of beer, several disasters already perpetrated, and vulnerable opponents; the soundness of partner's overcall in this context is different from other situations.

Gemini: Times change, technology and attitudes move on and so should the game of bridge. If for example, your club use machines to score the movement, you shouldn't also fill in travellers for no earthly reason.

Cancer: Today is horoscope free day at poorbridge.com. This is mostly a sop to the pesky Presbyterians.

Leo: Your partner will walk off with someone else this week and you will never play with her again. Five years of playing together, gone. Now, is this more or less devastating than your divorce?

Virgo: Live and learn. But what if you fail to learn? I mean, it's been about four years and yet you still make the same mistakes over and over. So for you it's really live and don't learn.

Libra: You will be cheered to see a new player at the club on Wednesday. Don't try to impress them by talking to partner about the previous board as they sit down, failing to say hello, and then proceed to tell them how they should have played the hand at the end of the first board. You won't come across as clever and good at bridge, but rather rude and arrogant.

Scorpio: Your search for a new partner will reach a watershed on Tuesday when you realise that your standards are just too high: a player who knows how to use Stayman and transfers properly wouldn't want to play with you.

Sagittarius: Your New Year's Resolution of being more friendly at the bridge table and greeting your opponents by name will meet an unexpected hurdle tonight as you sit down to face Jerz Skrzypczak.

Capricorn: No one is talking to you at the moment, and you can't work out why. Try a new strategy, perhaps taking an interest in others and not just thinking about yourself all the time. Or you could stop violently abusing your partner and opponents at the table every other board. That might just be crazy enough to work!

Aquarius: At this evening's duplicate, Mrs McKidney will declare a tight 3NT perfectly against you. She'll finesse into your partner's hand to keep you off lead, then force you to part with your winners before throwing you in with your own suit to open up the diamonds. You will know, of course, that this was all a fluke but it's her 91st birthday today and the stars will be very cross with you if you say anything other than a hearty "Well Played!". And mean it.

Pisces: It hurts to think that you could have won the match on Monday if only that rubbish slam your opponents bid hadn't made. Take your mind off the injustice of it all by repeating the following to yourself: "slams that require one finesse will make half the time". There, that isn't so bad!