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Aries: Turkey dinner. Christmas day. Overcooked Brussels sprouts. It's been a long time, been a lonely, lonely time. And it still is, as you don't have a fourth at your parents' house.

Taurus: Why oh why did you park your car in such a way as to lock your dad's car in the drive? He goes to church on a Sunday morning, and now you have to get up to move it.

Gemini: On your annual trip to church (Christmas morning), you realise that the only place you can think of with a higher average age is your local bridge club. Sad that young people aren't interested in bridge is what you're thinking while singing the familiar carols.

Cancer: While watching the telly over Christmas, you wonder just how many versions of a Christmas Carol have been made for the big screen. According to the IMDB, 14, though that doesn't cover versions with slightly different names and the scores of TV movies the tale has fathered. And only three versions were on this Christmas! See, it's not so bad.

Leo: Sitting around feeling bored? That can mean only one of two things: either you are at home for Christmas with the folks and have nothing to do, or you've been dummy for half of all hands so far this evening. I know which applies to me...

Virgo: I demand to have some booze. Sadly, I'm also at my parents' house, and with no drinking buddies, no bridge buddies (the same people as the drinking buddies) and no booze in the house, my demands are likely to fall on deaf ears. Or at least the same ears that don't keep any booze in the house.

Libra: Do you feel like learning something new for the new year? You could learn Romex, but I suggest spending your time doing something useful. Spanish is a language that is growing in importance, how about learning that?

Scorpio: Having purchased a copy of Bridge for Dummies for your friend, you will discover that they still don't know the game two months later. This might be due to the fact that your friend is not a dummy, but it's probably just a reflection of the fact that they can't be bothered to work through the book.

Sagittarius: Shine your light of bridge on the world around, so that people everywhere may see your behaviour and be happy that they are not geeky, obsessive people who can't relate to normal social protocols.

Capricorn: Treat yourself to some quiet time alone: no noise, no people, no internet. What is it that you really want in any event — what is it that you are missing? A good game of bridge or just some worthwhile company? Only the true addict would really miss the card game.

Aquarius: There are so many possibilities in this life and yet you always choose the safe option. If you push the boat out and risk everything you might just find out that new challenges bring new rewards. Or you might find that everything crashes down around you. Actually you might be right to take the safe option and not risk misremembering the 80-pages of Icelandic relay.

Pisces: To sleep, per chance to dream? I sleep a lot, and I don't really dream, so there isn't a correlation. However, I don't have anything to dream about so I might not be the one to talk to.