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Aries: Some bridge clubs have a rule that if a board is passed out in the first round of an evening, the hand is re-dealt. This, being contrary to the rules of the bridge, is not to your taste. You will be pleased to note that the club that meets in the church hall does not have this rule, rather they finish the round early and go out for a smoke. Having given up smoking, you will just sit and wait for about 10 minutes on Friday.

Taurus: Reading around poorbridge.com, you will see an article that is not to your liking and fire off an email to the author. To preempt their response: if you think you could do better then please write an article and submit it to any of the poorbridge.com team. We are always looking for new material. [and new horoscopes too, apparently —Ed]

Gemini: Being ignorant of how matchpoint scoring works is not an excuse for breaking the matchpoint-scoring rule: don't play in 5 of a minor. Having a club fit is not really an excuse for breaking this rule either.

Cancer: Wednesday will be a great day for you, as you will successfully pull off a double squeeze for the first time and make 5 exactly in the process. Please don't go overboard telling everyone about this great thing that you did, but at the same time don't let the detractors ruin the moment with their pointing out that 3NT is a far better contract. Life is all about balance.

Leo: After a couple of enormous pauses, your opponents will reach a making 4 contract on Tuesday night. You decide not to call the director, as it's only a club game, but instead brood on the unauthorised information which your opponents undoubtedly used to get to their contract. This kinda ruins your evening and you resolve to call the director next time it happens.

Virgo: Playing bridge on an empty stomach is not a good idea; all you do is sit around thinking about eating a nice big steak with tangy black pepper sauce and some tasty potatoes on the side. Perhaps a couple of battered onion rings and mushrooms on the side. Hmmm, that sounds really good. I think I'll stop writing the horoscope now and have some dinner.

Libra: In spite of what it looks like, your partner is not trying to sabotage your evening by deliberately doing the wrong thing. He is trying to win as much as you are. I know it may seem like he isn't, and maybe he isn't as good as you are, but he's a good bloke and doesn't get kicks out of seeing you get cross. Maybe you let it go now and stop shouting?

Scorpio: The moon is rising in Aries, which suggests that you should try something new: why not have a go at finessing an Ace for a change?

Sagittarius: You've been carrying your partner for years and if you're playing well you can single-handedly win a few early NICKO matches, despite your team-mates' best efforts. Next month's teams-of-twelve county match, you realise, will be a more daunting task.

Capricorn: Saying you were using table presence every time you try to drop a doubleton Queen offside and failing when the finesse would have worked is starting to wear thin. Your horoscope is telling you to learn some basic probability today...or else.

Aquarius: Sagittarius is mooning in the eighth quarter of the Southern Cross as Jupiter sets on the cusp of Orion. This means you will play well in tonight's match against the club's A team. You will.

Pisces: Today your lucky numbers are 4 and 5. Unfortunately, this will make it difficult for partner to read your opening leads.