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Aries: The team you play against in the county knock-out next weekend will be far weaker than the team you are a member of. And yet you will lose, thanks mostly to a series of blunders from your so-called best player. This will cause some bad feelings among the team which ultimately lead to your starting an affair with your opposing captain's wife. Surprising how things sometimes work out, isn't it?

Taurus: A bizarre turn of events will lead people at the club to believe that it is your birthday on Tuesday: to take full advantage of this, get partner to drive you to the club!

Gemini: It's true that you need stoppers to play in 3NT, but it's also true that you need a trump fit to play in four hearts. This quandary will require a fairly long tank before you make the wrong choice.

Cancer: This will be a good week to bid cold games and defend tightly. Remember that good play is the key to good results in the long run. It is also a good week to use the phrase "no kidding" after blindingly obvious statements are made.

Leo: Feeling good about yourself is one thing; feeling yourself good — especially in a public place — is quite another.

Virgo: Your horoscope today will actually be bridge related.

Libra: You know that the club budget is tight, but you still have to wonder: is this really the best coffee that the club can afford?

Scorpio: What is the point of playing all these conventions? You hardly know how to play Stayman!

Sagittarius: Today you will get a bad score because your opponents play Fishbein. Yeah, I know.

Capricorn: Although the actual bidding sequence suggests that Blackwood won't be all that useful, sometimes you've just gotta bid it anyway. And this week, partner's ace will never be opposite that void of yours!

Aquarius: Get real! Not only are you not as good as you think are, nobody is as good as you think you are.

Pisces: Congratulations, you have won an all expenses paid trip to Lapland. That's what you'd be told on the phone if you'd entered the Readers Digest competition. As it is, the only phone call you'll get this week will be from tele-marketing people. Loser.