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Aries: President Laurent Gbagbo has invited you to partner him at the Abidjan Open Congress next week. However, you're also expecting a new delivery of socks on that Saturday. It is dilemmas such as this that make the game of bridge so endlessly fascinating.

Taurus: The Q is the best lead on board 7 tonight. That doesn't mean it'll work, of course, only that it's the best lead. And if you don't hold the Q then I can only say that something must have gone wrong in the bidding.

Gemini: Tonight you will make a poorly judged psyche that will work spectacularly badly. When pressed by your team-mates as to what on earth was going on just tell them you're a gemini and refer them to me.

Cancer: You absolutely detest your partner. He's obnoxious, self-obsessed, irritating, petty and thinks far too highly of his bridge ability. He's bad for you, bad for your reputation at the club and bad for your game and you should really get as far away from that parasite as possible before you have a nervous breakdown. Hmm, perhaps on second thoughts you should wait until the Club Championship Pairs has finished. You're only 0.5% behind the leaders and have two months to catch up!

Leo: Oranges are not the only fruit, but yes! we have no bananas. What does that leave? Apples I suppose.

Virgo: What goes around, comes around. While this is an accurate description of the mechanics of bridge play, it probably isn't the best way to explain bridge to a novice.

Libra: The immortal words you are looking for were actually muttered by a mortal — now there's an irony! I don't think I played that hand well. Quite.

Scorpio: Gazing at the stars it's easy for you to think that you are an insignificant speck in the massive universe. And I think it too: you are an insignificant speck in our massive universe — certainly not worth all the fuss you are currently causing with your insistence that every choice the club captain makes is wrong...

Sagittarius: Friday nights are not the proper time to be in, thinking about how everything you have ever done has turned to dust: Saturday morning with a hangover, or Sunday morning in penitence are the traditional times for this activity.

Capricorn: While we're playing the blame game, why don't you just crucify partner in the post mortem? You already hung him out to dry with your continual bidding, so you may as well finish the job properly.

Aquarius: Bridge is a game of trust, and it's something that you clearly have a lot of trouble with. At the table, results will improve with a little faith in partner's bids; in more general terms, safety and risk are mutually exclusive and the insurance premium on safety is prohibitively expensive.

Pisces: The heat is certainly rising, and the league comes to a head! Will you win or lose the wooden spoon? Do you really want to keep the spoon for a third year in a row?