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Aries: There will be a lot of flowers around the bridge club on Wednesday. In any other venue (other than perhaps a church) you would cheerfully ask if someone had died. You will go with 'has someone get married?'

Taurus: Please note that a meth addiction is not an excuse for poor play. Also note that there are people that take your off-the-cuff explanations at face value.

Gemini: Given the choice, you would rather play bridge than have dinner with your in-laws. You are not going to be given the choice, however, so you may as well get used to it.

Cancer: Why is 3+2 always a good score for your opponents, but always a bad score for you? Clues lie in your defensive techniques, and the blank expression you favour when the word "forcing" is dropped into the post-mortem.

Leo: "Experience is simply the name we give our mistakes", said Oscar Wilde. Bear this in mind when your partner compliments you as one of the most experienced players in the field.

Virgo: Aren't you tired of the same old social lies, the little niceties and platitudes that you have to spout every, single, week? Tear up the rule book by suggesting that four colour decks are thoughtless and discriminatory — how, exactly, do they help the colourblind?

Libra: While checking your stars this week, I came across some vital clues to your performance in the upcoming County Pairs, which you simply must hear.
Call 09067 BOTTOM to learn more.

Scorpio: Your amusing "Scanning-the-barcodes-on-dummy's-cards-with-my-pen" routine is wearing thin. Try "Thank you, partner." for a classier, more traditional feel to your night's bridge. And to avoid a smack in the mouth.

Sagittarius: This is a good week for percentage declarer lines. But then so was last week, and the one before. Next week will probably be similar. Sort it out.

Capricorn: Ever wondered why your local club enjoys your youthful presence so much? No, it's not your chirpy banter, your incisive analysis or the quality of your game. It's the money you spend at the bar.

Aquarius: Just because you've finally got round to writing "may contain a singleton" and "overcalls may only be four cards at favourable" on your card does *not* mean you should now open 1NT with a void and overcall with three to the eight. It simply doesn't work like that.

Pisces: Board after board of balanced hands with 11 HCP is not more randomised than a series of shapely, variable strength hands. If you don't like the Duplimate, at least get your facts straight before you start complaining about it.