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Aries: You were one of the best players in the club. Then you went for an extended holiday down under and your form dropped off badly. You should retire from the nonsense known as pairs to concentrate on teams and insist that you have nothing to prove.

Taurus: The rumours of another club poaching you for their NICKO team are just that, rumours. Get your head down, play well, and don't insist on a transfer if your latest demands of jammie dodgers at half time is turned down.

Gemini: Count out loud while you deal all 52 cards this evening. It will act as a calm and soothing influence for you, while irritating everyone else at the club.

Cancer: Pairs bridge is a simple game — take as many tricks as you can. Remembering that tonight won't serve you well as you're playing teams, but it is good advice that you will do well to remember next weekend.

Leo: You've been suspended, remember? No horoscope for you today.

Virgo: Everyone sat North/South will complain to you this evening about the lack of points they've had. It actually happens that they averaged 19.87 between them. Make a note of the hands and take along the evidence the following week, allowing them all to deny that they actually complained...

Symbol: Yes, you did change your name. Shame on you. It won't help your bridge at all you know...

Scorpio: "All we hear is, radio ga ga. Radio goo goo. Radio ga ga." Yes, the young trendy kid at the club is using his new iPod again. His wife bought it for him on his 50th birthday you know.

Sagittarius: Take three pens with you tonight. No, make that four. In fact, with the luck you're having today you may as well not bother turning up at all.

Capricorn: Your partner will invite game no less than five times this evening. Every time you will get the decision wrong. That's life.

Aquarius: Aren't you supposed to be watering something? Those plants are looking rather dry.

Pisces: The queen drops on your right. Ignore the principle of restricted choice and drop QJ tight. It will work this week, trust me.