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Aries: While there's nothing in the rules that says you're not allowed to psyche, and the local club's director knows this fact, you have to grudgingly admit that the large pointed psycher's cap they make you wear and the revocation of your tea and biscuits at half-time is a pretty good deterrent.

Taurus: After listening to Elton John's classic song Sacrifice you will remember that bidding 5 on board 14 certainly wasn't a sacrifice. Or even a phantom sacrifice. It was just really stupid.

Gemini: Just because the TDs publish their phone numbers in case rulings are required does not mean you should call them for every infraction. After all, you've had the options for a lead out of turn explained to you enough times by now.

Cancer: No-one ever thanks you for the work you do behind the scenes. Does anyone appreciate your efforts? The club would fall apart if you weren't there keeping things going. So if you don't do it for the plaudits, then why do you do it? If you can work that out then you'll be more socially adjusted than a certain individual I can think of.

Leo: The realisation that the playing cards are indifferent to your existence and resist any significance you place in them only reinforces your own freedom to interact with them. This brings on a bout of nausea; I recommend Cyclizine.

Virgo: Your editor will phone you up on Monday and ask if you are using the latest article as therapy to get over the fact that you got dumped out of both the NICKO and Gold Cup last week. You will reply in the negative, and he will jokingly express disappointment as you write best when you are annoyed. Although this is intended as a joke, you will review your work and realise that your best articles are written when you are upset, and that the current writing is therapy.

Libra: As the moon rises in Sagittarius and Venus crosses the Tropic of Cancer, the attractive redhead from Head Office has finally decided to go out to dinner with me on Saturday night. Which reminds me, I'd better make that reservation at Vincenzo's. Hmm, and maybe I should buy a new shirt. Oh, is this thing still recording?

Scorpio: In moments of despair, it is always good to cling onto the good things in life: fine wine, Cuban cigars and a great game of bridge with friends. So if you've been reduced to wine from a carton, cheap cigarettes, and a poor game of Skat, call up those friends and get the game of bridge going. Partner always brings the cigars and the transport; oppo provide the venue and the claret.

Sagittarius: Towards the end of tonight's session you will realise that, out of 22 boards played, you haven't once been dealt the Eight of Hearts. This revelation will surprise your partner who will wonder why, if you can keep track of the cards through an evening like this, you couldn't remember that your club was boss on board 5.

Capricorn: Routine is the way to get though life at times like these: coffee at the station in the mornings, a low standard game at the club in the evenings, and a last check of e-mail with a slice of toast on the way to bed. Don't laugh — I know a joke when I laugh.

Aquarius: Playing eeny-meeny-miny-mo is, I suppose, as good a way as any to take a genuine guess for a Queen, but here's a small tip that will boost partner's confidence in you: don't say it out loud.

Pisces: Reviewing your performance on the weekend won't be helped by the hand records. Without them you could conveniently forget details of the hands; as it is every element of each hand, and how you got them wrong, is printed in black and white for partner and team mates to scrutinise.