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Aries: Thanks to the tireless work of the Vugraph operators, and the good folks at BBO, you will watch the finals of the Polish Pairs Championship rather than writing the report for work that needs to be handed in tomorrow. While tomorrow is going to be awkward, you really wouldn't want it any other way!

Taurus: Life is like a box of chocolates. And bridge is the chocolate toffee. It's hard and chewy and tasty, but can make your jaw ache if you eat too many.

Gemini: Doubt is not creeping into your game at the moment so much as marching in. Should you have made that bid? Was that the right declarer line? The answer to your problem lies in realising that it is only you who is bothered.

Cancer: He who has never failed has not ever tried. Given that you have never failed, I guess this means you've never tried. Or you're just better than me in the post mortem.

Leo: Better days will come just as soon as your birth star moves out of Aquarius. So that'll be 17 more years of bidding misunderstandings, particularly the takeout double/penalty double misunderstanding.

Virgo: The streets of this town are grinding you down at the moment, and it's no wonder why. Lacking a regular partner is not fun, and the pick-up game just isn't the same. Play it for what it is, and stop giving partners the chance to pass out cue bids.

Libra: At the bottom of the secret garden that is your hopes and dreams there is one thing that you are holding on to that needs to be let go of. The words of congratulations would be hollow and short-lived even if you did achieve everything that's tucked away down there.

Scorpio: The "Missing Cat" flyer has been up on the lamp-post outside the club car park for over a week now, and you have reason to fear the kitty is no longer alive. Should the poster now read: "Wanted, dead or alive"? This thought is amusing to you, so you suggest it to Mrs. Simonson. Bad move — Miss Simonson is missing the kitty, and partner now thinks you are a horrible little man.

Sagittarius: You will travel a long way up the valley to play at the county night on Wednesday. In these parts of the world they do things a bit differently, a bit rural, they are. But their mistrust of younger players is exactly the same as the granny clubs in the town.

Capricorn: This week you were truly born to run. More specifically: born to run tens. That will be the winning play on every single deal next week!

Aquarius: Being lumbered with someone who insists on playing strong twos and intermediate jump overcalls takes you back a bit — back to the summer of '69 when you first started playing. And, like the Bryan Adams hit tune of the same title, it's really, really irritating.

Pisces: Holding on to what you've got will prove to be difficult on Friday. To be fair, it won't really matter if you don't manage to hold on to the 17 IMP lead, as you can't make the finals weekend in any event.