Day 1 Day 2 Day 3 Day 4 Day 5 Day 6 Day 7 Day 8 Day 9 Day 10 Day 11 Day 12 Day 13 Day 14 Day 15 Day 16 Day 17 Day 18 Day 19 Day 20 Day 21 Day 22 Day 23 Day 24 Day 25 Day 26 Day 27 Day 28 Day 29 Day 30 Day 31 Day 32 Day 33 Day 34 Day 35 Day 36 Day 37 Day 38 Day 39 Day 40 Day 41 Day 42 Day 43 Day 44 Day 45 Day 46 Day 47 Day 48 Day 49 Day 50 Day 51 Day 52 Day 53 Day 54 Day 55 Day 56 Day 57 Day 58 Day 59

Aries: When wildebeests are outlawed, only outlaws will have wildebeests. However, when Gerber is outlawed, little old ladies will still play it. So little old ladies will become outlaws. And the law would be made to look an ass.

Taurus: When you have nothing to lose, you will be ready to start afresh, without fear. So, in a way, losing your job, house, friends and mind was a good thing. Sadly, bidding without fear will lead to many silly slams and ludicrous overcalls, which will adversely affect your scores.

Gemini: So your brother doesn't play bridge. That's his loss — except when you really need a fourth at home, when it's clearly your loss.

Cancer: What do you know of hell? Dante's ten circles don't include a place for shifty bridge players who don't disclose their agreements fully to their opponents. But then I guess the list isn't an exhaustive one.

Leo: It's St. Valentine's Day so why not build a replica of your beloved out of mashed potato? At the club tonight, all of your heart bids will mean I Love You. See, we do have some soul — this website isn't entirely a pit of sarcastic hate-filled bile!

Virgo: The club is in dire straits and needs funds or it will go under. Hmm, I wonder how much the local players will pay us not to publish a nude calendar?

Libra: Una paloma blanca may be a great song, and it's all well and good that you would wish to get up on the table and sing it every time your favourite bid comes up, but you do know that 1NT is the most frequent opening don't you?

Scorpio: "Not long to go now," said the butterfly to the koala bear as he fluttered by on a glorious February morning. A few minutes later, the koala bear started to grow paranoid. What did the butterfly mean by that, he thought. Was he going to die? What did he know? He had to find out. That evening, the koala bear phoned up the butterfly who told him that series three of Lost would soon be out on DVD and he was looking forward to it.

The moral of this story is don't bid Blackwood with a void.

Sagittarius: Bing ding ding ding ding ding. Ling-a-ring-a-ding. Sing-a-song-a-sing.

[Today's horoscope proves that a) I'm in a very good mood, and b) we really can get away with just about anything in this section. —Ed]

Capricorn: Sorry — no bridge tips available on this website today. Can I interest you in some tootsi-frootsi ice-a cream, though?

Aquarius: Why is there no bridge onomatopoeia? When my dog retches, it sounds a bit like Gerber — does that count?

Pisces: You want to know what you're supposed to do but I'm afraid you've gone wrong already. You were supposed to duck smoothly but now that you've come online to consult your horoscope for the answer, you might as well win the King. Idiot.