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Aries: Today you will find out that Chico Marx was a bridge player. I know this, because I'm the one telling you. Right there. At the start of this horoscope. Before the bit where it says "I know this..."

Taurus: Now that the most depressing time of year is over — no more sitting around with people you hardly know, because they are family, wondering where the magic of Christmas went — it's back to work and that can mean only one thing: working with people you hardly know wondering where your dreams drained away to.

Gemini: As your oracle, I am happy to tell you that you are damned. I'll be even happier to tell you how you could improve your situation, but it'll cost you...

Cancer: In the battle of who better fits the bill as Judas Iscariot impersonator 2006, let me suggest that you knew the character of the lady before you started dating her. So I wash my hands of my actions, and bag the Pontius Pilot prize in addition to the Judas prize.

Leo: You truly are a bridge warrior, with your IMPing table in your wallet, EBU pen in hand, encyclopaedic knowledge of the law and convention chart, ready to fight anyone who comes within a card table's width or you. I'm at the bar having a laugh and not up for a fight.

Virgo: In the bleak mid-winter
Frost and snow close in;
Good bridge partners falter
hear the phone bell ring:
My car it just won't start
roads aren't gritted here
in the bleak wind-winter
bridge-less nights I fear!

Libra: "You don't have to be old or pregnant to be an Elizabeth." That's what my vicar said (cf. Luke 1:39-45), and I'm taking it to heart: I think you play pretty well, and a lot of your defence is really quite good. And I'm not old or pregnant, though I guess you might be.

Scorpio: Babe you know I'm going to leave you. But then I wouldn't have a good bridge partner, rather than some random punter. Ok I won't leave you. Love lasts for the strangest reasons.

Sagittarius: Looking at the deepest part of the man, the soul if you like, what would you see? A desire to win? Fear of failure? Longing for acceptance? A dream that makes nearly no sense at all? Or maybe the need to play with your multi-opening toy that doesn't gain against good opponents, but does really confuse the little old ladies?

Capricorn: Ask yourself who it is that you want an approving nod from. Improving your situation might mean letting go of someone in your past and taking a risk on the future. And it really isn't important if other people at the club think that Romex is a good system: you live how you wanna live!

Aquarius: You suffer from a fear of failure. If people only want to know you when you're winning, then they ain't your real friends. Or even particularly good people. Yeah, you're right, most people are not all that good.

Pisces: Misplaced affection can be dangerous: not everything that is done by a good person is good, not everything done by a toe-rag is bad. So when he says that the squeeze was automatic, know that I played the finesse, and that my line was 50/50.