Horoscopes

Day 38

Aries: After a meeting with the club management you realise that i) meetings with management are long and mostly pointless and ii) things would be better if you ran the world.

Taurus: Today a bunch of coloured swords will fall into your shipyard, causing you to drop an overtrick in a 3NT contract.

Gemini: A brush of the thigh, a playful caress of the hair, a touch of the forearm, a cheeky smile as your eyes meet: these things are not appropriate at the bridge table. You may only communicate by means of the bids you make or the cards you play. Hint: to get round this, a 1

opening means "You're cute. Fancy a drink at The Stag and Onion after the game?"

Cancer: Try not to hold those you love to impossible standards, such as returning your suit, or loving you back.

Leo: "I have a dream," Martin Luther King Jr. once said. You have dreams too — and they are not nearly so noble as his.

Virgo: If your right eye causes you to sin, gouge it out. Equally, if your partner insists you play modified precision (really badly), gouge out his eyes.

Libra: You will be stopped mid-rant about the stupidity of the fact that the collective noun for crows is a murder when you realise that a it should be the collective noun for a series of declarerships, and that you could have said something far more amusing...

Scorpio: After this evening's performance, you will take up a new hobby: holding your breath for as long as possible, trying not to breathe. What, you want me to talk you out of it?

Sagittarius: Paranoia will enter your life and you will imagine that everyone else in town is having a better time that you are this evening, doing something fun. It's not paranoia if it's true. But at the local club they will be playing strong twos and Gerber, so clearly it is paranoia.

Capricorn: If you want to change your life — either at the bridge table or more widely — then the only person who can make it happen is you! Unfortunately, you really suck at things like that...

Aquarius: Put off the washing up until tomorrow and make your way to the club! No-one is going to see the massive stack of plates — not any more.

Pisces: Hell is for other people. Like you. And, after last night's performance, probably me as well. An eternity being torn limb from limb? Oh well.