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Aries: You are going though one of those phases where nothing suits you — even no- trumps. I'm going through a piss-poor pun phase. Both will pass.

Taurus: Conversation round the after dinner card table will not be quite what it usually is. It might be because you are drunk with wine, or it might be because you're sober with the thoughts of a thousand disappointments. But it's most likely because someone is ranting about how you can't get really large eggs in supermarkets anymore.

Gemini: Pointless doesn't really sum up your behaviour lately. Cutting your nose off to spite your face would fit the bill. Take a step back and consider what you are doing and why. I did the same recently and realised that I didn't like my nose anyway.

Cancer: Sing a song of love. Shout it from the roof tops. I could kiss you for bidding that ragged slam and getting one over Mr. Arrogant Bridge Player. I don't care that it was only 16%, to be honest. Hahahahahaha.

Leo: When victory tastes like bitter ash in your mouth know this: it's not the winning that matters, it's not the taking part either; it's the reason you had for taking part that matters, which should have been to have a good time and raise money for charity. Getting one over on someone and making everyone uncomfortable by shouting a lot after an unfortunate lead was really, really bad.

Virgo: He waits, that what he does. And then when everyone has gone, he locks up and goes home, alone. Today we should raise a glass to The Community Centre Caretaker, whose silent role is extremely important to the local bridge club!

Libra: I laugh at your trust! Haven't you seen partner's overcalls before? No, there is absolutely no reason to think that 3NT "should be cold".

Scorpio: Small can be beautiful. Small can be effective. Small can surprise and punch above its weight. But all you will be able to think about as you pick up an eight high hand is: small really sucks.

Sagittarius: You will meet someone wonderful on Friday — beautiful, great to talk you, wonderful to hold in your arms, and eager to love you. Do I hear wedding bells? Yes, you marry on Saturday and that last meeting with your fiance will be just great. But will it be better than going on the beers with your mates?

Capricorn: Echo, echo, echo. That's the sound you'll hear in every bridge club in the country if we don't start getting people to play the game. Get teaching people!

Aquarius: Pointless waste of time. That is how we will describe what you did today at work, and your drive to the bridge club tonight only to find out that it's teams not pairs, and you have no team-mates.

Pisces: Are the young couple playing N/S at table three cheating, or is all that eye fluttering and those cute looks just an expression of young love? Sadly, it's been so long since you've seen love that you assume it's cheating. Shame on you!