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Aries: I was asked today what the difference between fog and smog was. I wanted to answer in terms of a well timed psyche (fog) and a partnership that deliberately didn't disclose their non-standard agreements (smog). But it would have confused my year 7 pupils, and it really wouldn't have had anything to do with science.

Taurus: Do you know what today is? NO?! Today is the first day of the rest of your life!! So what are you going to do — work, play bridge, have a pint and go home? Yeah, that's not a bad start to the rest of your life.

Gemini: Bridge and snooker have this in common: good cueing is important if you are to succeed at the highest levels.

Cancer: I was listening to a song that reminded me of you today. The lyrics go: "Why did you keep me waiting so long; you keep me waiting; why did you keep me waiting so long?" Why do you spend so long in the tank and then come up with such very poor bids?

Leo: "You know I love you, but..." is one of those phrases that betrays a lack of any understand of what love is. A bit like the phrase "I would have doubled 1, but that would have been penalties" probably betrays a lack of understanding of how bridge works.

Virgo: It's time to kiss a frog — you never know, it might turn out to become your prince. Or it could turn out to be one of those toads that have mildly hallucinogenic poisons on their skins. And that would be bad, because you already miscount and open 10 counts regularly.

Libra: Unfortunately, today is challenge day. That means a traffic jam on the way to work, the photocopier breaking down in the afternoon, and 4-0 trump breaks in the evening.

Scorpio: You will have a major breakthrough in your teaching class tonight when Thomas and Jenny will get a Stayman auction right for the first time ever. You will feel that the private nickname, Tom and Jerry, you gave them might have been a little unfair.

Sagittarius: Your honesty tonight will be out of character. You'll tell the truth for once in you life. And that'll be a real problem as there are a lot of people you could offend. A good way of getting round this is to simply stay at home, make no calls and then and tell the truth to the dog.

Capricorn: Dummy is good, but not that good. Another missed slam or a prudent stay in game? For your star sign, the answer seems to be yes, but for partner's star sign the answer seems to be no. Man, I'm really confused about this one.

Aquarius: Congratulations on a great success yesterday! We walk in the garden of your turbulence, and all that.

Pisces: I don't want to alarm you, but I think we must talk about death. You know they say that every death really represents a new beginning. Well other horoscope writers do, anyway, but I'm here to tell you that it really represents destruction, unfulfilled dreams, and a long drawn out mourning for those that are left behind. And not even any entertaining bridge quips thrown in. This is me checking out.