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Aries: No horoscope today as I've been marking exams. BTW did you know that the national grid is there so you can get electricity when you are in foreign countries?

Taurus: No horoscope today as I've been marking exams. Did you know that energy is a type of energy? I feel like a job. As you don't have time to play bridge at the moment, let me generate some results for you. 48%, 56%, 42% and +12 IMPs on the butler. These are the four results that you were going to get if you had a life. Yes, they are as random as partner's bidding.

Gemini: You have to stop taking your work home with you. Or at least leave it at home and don't take it with you to the bridge club.

Cancer: Bad news: your boss thinks you are an idiot. And so do all the people you know at the bridge club. But your stars are telling you, via me, that you're great. Well, I can't be right all the time...

Leo: Oops - missed this one out (we had another blank day)

Virgo: As you count up the number of people you think are better bridge players than you in the country you realize, wrongly, that you need about 9 people to rule themselves out of the team to get a game for the county. Actually the real number is more like 34, and that's if you could get someone willing to play with someone as objectionable as yourself.

Libra: At the moment you feel like you are a slave to the grind. All work and no play make you a dull boy. But as you would choose to play at bridge, given the chance, I guess you are a dull boy anyway.

Scorpio: Vodka in not the answer — this time. The only way to make you think you are doing fine for a while is a piece of bridge based, feel good, escapism. So get yourself down to that village hall club, where all the players are truly awful, and watch the tops come rolling in!

Sagittarius: Today you will give yourself up as a sacrifice for your department, and volunteer to attend the company retreat. Then tonight you will sacrifice against a slam. Both these actions will turn out badly for you. The retreat will suck, and the slam won't make.

Capricorn: Having thought about it for a while, you will make the hardest decision of your life. You will leave your youth behind and stop playing notional club with bacon torpedo 2's. I can feel the earth shudder and the angels cry: a man, sinful and weak in inception, has been born.

Aquarius: I hate you and everything you stand for. Did you say this to a politician (deserved)? Did you say this to your bridge partner (harsh and not a good way to keep friends)? Did you say this to yourself in front of the mirror (er, oh dear)? All three, in that order, actually.

Pisces: When you stand in quicksand, you sink. When you sit down in the national swiss teams you will also sink. So I guess what I'm saying is that quicksand is a bit like a swiss teams event. Man, I should really stop looking to the stars for guidance. Even the Daily Star makes more sense.