Aries: You're average point count tonight will be 6. You're partner's average will be 7. The opponents will average 13 between them, giving an average per hand of 26. It seems that the local jester has doctored the decks again.
Taurus: Our horoscope writer is on strike, demanding a pay rise. You'll have to do without this week. Which goes for your love life too after dropping a cold slam on the floor when playing with the wife. At bridge, that is.
Gemini: The 3 and 4 from two separate decks get interchanged. Nobody notices all evening, as nobody ever watches the spot cards do they? You've been forewarned, so use it to your advantage.
Cancer: Never been seen before carnivorous sponges, free-swimming worms, crustaceans and molluscs were found in the back of the bridge club fridge this week. Stay well clear while the bearded, sandal wearing and geeky looking scientists study them over the next few weeks. Try not to mistake them for the bridge regulars. The scientists that is, not the crustacea.
Leo: Is two months up yet? No, I thought not. You're still banned. Deal with it.
Virgo: Did you know that this is the 666th horoscope to appear on poorbridge.com? No? Well, it is. Let us all hope this isn't a prophecy for the end of the world tonight...
The artist formerly known as Libra: Another change of name. Tut tut. That really isn't a proper name you know, though it might get you somewhere. Yes, things are starting to look up.
Scorpio: While perusing online dating sites you come across profiles for three ladies from the local bridge club. Not really that surprising, is it? Why not try chatting them up this evening rather than concentrating on the cards. Just don't let the wife catch you.
Sagittarius: One hundred pbotw articles! (Once we get around to finishing the 100th that is). You're task today is to look back and learn from all your previous mistakes. You featured in how many of the articles?
Capricorn: Take comfort from the game of golf. There you can be poor versus the course, but still better than all of your peers.
Aquarius: Your sign is watery, but you most certainly aren't. Don't try jumping in the sea on your way home from bridge no matter how pleased you are with winning.
Pisces: Another day, another horoscope writer. Expect better apostrophe usage in the next few weeks.