Day 1 Day 2 Day 3 Day 4 Day 5 Day 6 Day 7 Day 8 Day 9 Day 10 Day 11 Day 12 Day 13 Day 14 Day 15 Day 16 Day 17 Day 18 Day 19 Day 20 Day 21 Day 22 Day 23 Day 24 Day 25 Day 26 Day 27 Day 28 Day 29 Day 30 Day 31 Day 32 Day 33 Day 34 Day 35 Day 36 Day 37 Day 38 Day 39 Day 40 Day 41 Day 42 Day 43 Day 44 Day 45 Day 46 Day 47 Day 48 Day 49 Day 50 Day 51 Day 52 Day 53 Day 54 Day 55 Day 56 Day 57 Day 58 Day 59

Aries: Lay your hand down on the table and get to the toilet as quickly as you can. Partner can't follow you in there, so the torrent of abuse will be muffled by the door. Wait five minutes, and then politely ask how the contract scored.

Taurus: Sometimes you really wish that you didn't live quite as far from partner and all the people you care about. Phone conversations and messaging just aren't the same as face to face conversations with a pint in hand. The standard of opposition at Bridge Base Online is, unfortunately, the same — if slightly more aggressive.

Gemini: In the last round of the Swiss teams on Sunday, you will need to win the match about 20-0 if you are to have any chance of winning the tournament. This fact will result in your team going down in a blaze of glory, as each team member tries to get IMPs in on every hand. The results will be the wrong kind of 20-0.

Cancer: The reputation of the game of bridge suffers when miserable people are rude to novices and visitors to the club. You may not think of yourself as an offender in this context, but your facetious over-explanation of system at the start of each round is somewhat off putting.

Leo: Stumbling through hands all evening on Tuesday will be akin to dancing in the dark. You will see nothing clearly, make terrible plans as declarer and miss all of partner's signals. The result will be a 56.7% session — not at all bad, considering.

Virgo: These arms are failing; the strength of the flesh is waning. But so long as the mind can work out how to break the opponents' communications, and then execute an endplay, life will be worth living.

Libra: Bored? Nothing to do? Feeling like there isn't much point to anything? These are the symptoms of a man (or woman) who is suffering badly from the recent terrestrial movements as the moon shoots through the northern quadrant. The medicine is to play bridge on Thursday. While the stars dictate that you will still be bored while doing this, there will be a point: to swell numbers at the Thursday night drive. We need more players to turn up on Thursday!

Scorpio: Partner has five words for you: I don't have a stopper. Notice that the sixth word, 'sorry', is conspicuous in its absence. Read the signs and work out why she is mad with you, before this escalates.

Sagittarius: It will be a good week for running away from doubled contracts. So if you have a five card suit of your own, and partner's 2 opening is about to go for a load, pull the contract.

Capricorn: It's time to say goodbye to your current partner and look to play with someone else. Blame the stars, if you like, but know that arguing over every single hand is not a fun way to play the game, and it's annoying everyone else at the club, too.

Aquarius: On a business trip, opportunities will be afforded to you that will open new doors; the chance to play in an ACBL regional, in fact. Well, for a limey like you, that's not bad going — the business trip was boring anyway, and so what if you don't attend the last two days of the trading conference?

Pisces: This hard land is producing very little for you at the moment. Working through your aversion to responding 1NT with unbalanced hands is a toil that will make some better results grow.