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Aries: Your club is making a fundraising CD of bridge-related cover versions on Saturday, and you've been asked to take the lead on "If I only had a Heart". They must be thinking of that 3NT last Monday where you lost the first five heart tricks, mustn't they. Mustn't they?

Taurus: "Although the odds are stacked against you, have faith in your lucky stars and you will succeed." When the planets conspire to throw up something like that, I begin to wonder whether horoscopes and bridge are necessarily compatible, career-wise...

Gemini: Love is in the air this week — it's the mixed pairs event on Thursday. With so many disgruntled women in one bar, you may just seem the refined, well-educated bachelor if you can curb your critical tendencies.

Cancer: This week your girlfriend will leave you and you'll be selected for the county match that's on the weekend you already have that family commitment. Bugger.

Leo: You discovered on the weekend that not everybody plays convention X like you do. This may cause some embarrassment as you've been teaching it to beginners, arguing with senior players about it and forcing it on your partners for 20 years. Maybe it's time for that move to Singapore.

Virgo: Today the Queen will always drop doubleton offside — tomorrow it won't. Be wary when the match extends beyond midnight.

Libra: With all the information that you will receive this week it may be difficult to make informed decisions due to overload. The information that is really important, though, is that partner passed as dealer, and therefore playing him for three aces is probably a mistake.

Scorpio: Your copy of English Bridge will arrive on Wednesday and it will be a jolly good read. It's the only time it ever will be, so enjoy it!

Sagittarius: You are interested to read in the bridge magazine that Margaret and Pauline won the seniors congress pairs in June. You feel this should be front page news, and not hidden away in the county news section. But then you are married to Pauline, so you would think that, wouldn't you..

Capricorn: The recent good weather may be a result of global warming. Your recent poor bridge results may be due to the fact that you never bother to count up the hand. But as both could be down to other factors, let's just pretend everything is OK.

Aquarius: With all the problems that are going on in the world around — war in the Middle East, terrorism in our skies — don't you think that complaining incessantly about Mrs. Miggins slow play is a bit petty?

Pisces: Perspective is all that you are lacking. It's really important that you get a sense of perspective. So you were asked to sit out for one round and you didn't even turn up late. It really isn't all that important. It certainly isn't worth telling the TD that you didn't turn up to play 21 boards three times over.