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Aries: After trying out for the county U25 team, you will find out that all you needed to do was be under 25 to get picked. Learning bridge was optional.

Taurus: Some time during the next week you will have the defence of your life. A lovely switch and a smart unblock lead to declarer going two off in a contract made at most tables. Unfortunately as you reach trick eleven you only have a choice of two cards to play while partner has four. That will teach you to count your cards and a 40/60 board ensues.

Gemini: You will get knocked out of the Gold Cup this evening. However, there are suspicions that the opposition have fielded an ineligible player. You should consider mounting a legal challenge to the EBU's insistence that the accused party was an eligible player. Your closest rivals will all back you — after all, your team are perceived as a weaker threat in the latter stages.

Cancer: The fallout from the recent supernova is due to reach the Earth during your star sign. Be afraid. Be very afraid. Fortunately it's not due to reach Earth for another 143,463,000 years and by then will have all the strength of your mobile phone. Even so, it might be best to take precautions now.

Leo: Due to circumstances beyond our control Leo has received a two month suspension from it's star sign status. No, honestly.

Virgo: We surveyed 100 Virgos. Given a two way finesse, 63.5% said they would prefer to finesse through their left hand opponent. You should try to vary it a bit this month.

Libra: Strange things are afoot in the stars. It seems that some stars have huge egos. You're not about to change your name are you?

Scorpio: The county chairman has finally announced that he will step down from office after ten years in the job. You will at long last get the chance to step out of his shadows and take the lead job. Let's hope you make a better fist of it than he did.

Sagittarius: You shouldn't go to the bridge club this week. Oh no. Best to stay in, have a nice cup of cocoa, put your feet up and watch the telly. Trust me.

Capricorn: Count your points on every hand tonight. I can guarantee you will finish the evening with an average of precisely 9.3 points. Therefore you should be able to work out your point count on the final board even before looking at your hand. Neat, eh?

Aquarius: The ankle is playing up again so you will need a late fitness test before venturing to the bridge club tonight. It's about time they got a Stannah stairlift at the club don't you think?

Pisces: All the indications are bordering on the sensational. We think you'll crack under the pressure before the season is out.