Aries: You have trouble acting normal when you're nervous. This will manifest itself in the cup final on Sunday, when you will make no normal actions at all. We suspect that you are nervous all the time.
Taurus: Merry Christmas everybody! And if anybody has actually logged onto pb.com to check the horoscope then you're just....well, words fail me. Get a life, have a lovely day and come back tomorrow!
Gemini: Roll a new leaf over — or is that a new love over? As the banner falls from its perch, remember that things that are not seen are not out of mind. And yes, you walk on water only for as long as you keep eyes on the one you walk out to.
Cancer: Paint a picture of yourself: choose your colours. For me it's usually red and black. But sometimes, grey and orange feature as well. When using a four colour deck.
Leo: If you could be any animal in the world what would you be? A tiger? A lion? A leech that simply sucks others of their feels and emotions, leaving them empty and... er, something about bridge. Hmm. Get back to this entry.
Virgo: Monkey see, monkey do! That's why you will double on the second hand of Tuesdays' drive with a shape unsuitable 13 count. I don't really like calling you, or oppo, monkeys, by the way, but this seemed really appropriate.
Libra: It's 4:30am on a Tuesday, and it really doesn't get worse than this: trying to figure out why you didn't just draw trumps and take the club hook to make the contract and win the match.
Scorpio: This is the 500th horoscope on this site! I think we should all celebrate and go to a party tonight, get very drunk and have sex with a random stranger at the stroke of midnight. They may think you're celebrating the New Year, but you know what the real occasion is.
Sagittarius: Curiosity, Kitten, killed the cat. It will also land you in 4HX off three, when you try overcalling at the two level with a four card suit. And may you continue to do so throughout 2007! Happy New Year!
Capricorn: Given the lack of communication and contradictions in your partnership, anyone would think that you were preparing for getting married! Is that a joke, or what I really think? Who knows...
Aquarius: What do you think of heaven? A sea of international standard players, playing the game to the highest standard? Nope, you think of a load of LOL's waiting to be baited, bashed and conned into giving you a great score card.
Pisces: On the way home you will pass a house with an open curtain and a light shining in the living room. Four people are seated at a table playing a game. You will pause and take a look in. Nope, not bridge, but Hungry Hungry Hippos. You will feel disappointed. And hungry.