Horoscopes

Day 52

Aries: It's all or nothing time! All means winning and nothing means losing. All equals glory and nothing equals desolation. All results in becoming fat and nothing results in starving to death. All elevates to god-like status and nothing elevates to Hades. Yes it truly is all or nothing time. CAN YOU TAKE THE PRESSURE? Or are you about to bottle it? It's all down to you and I don't think you will be able to take it! Have I put you off making that slam yet?

Taurus: It is your birthday today (yes all of you)! So have a fun day and don't drink too much. Otherwise you will have a hangover for the bridge tomorrow and that would be sub-optimal.

Gemini: No matter how often you repeat yourself, it won't make a difference: partner will not remember that re-double after 1NT — X — XX forces a 2

bid (your system not mine), but rather will dreamily believe that you want to play there. And you really don't.

Cancer: Having spent so much of the last few years looking up at the stars trying to work out what you all should do, I think you should know that I have gotten a bad back. That means that, from now on, I'm simply going to make up the entries. And take painkillers.

Leo: After a Stephen King style butchering of 3NT on Wednesday, you will both want to kill partner, and be rather afraid that you could be next...

Virgo: The charity bridge at the top of a mountain event being planed by the club will be scuppered, not by the weather or by a lack of willing participants, but by the club committee deciding that for a hill to be counted as a mountain, it must be at least 1500 meters high. Lazy bastards.

Libra: In the past, a long, long time ago, there was a club rule that on Saturday nights, people had to attend the club in black tie. You decide to try to re-institute, for a laugh, on the 5th Saturday of each month. And actually, it will turn out to be quite a laugh, if surprisingly hard work to organise.

Scorpio: According to The Protocols of the Elders of Zion, erotic literature will be used to help take over the world (protocols 14 and 17). While remaining sceptical as to authenticity of The Protocols, or how exactly this would lead to world control, we do like the porn...

Sagittarius: After reading a bridge forum for about an hour, you realise that you really are just wasting time. And that arguments over whether and when Law 29A or Law 29B should be applied are really uninteresting. Or at least they should be.

Capricorn: After your captain perpetrates a profanity laden verbal assault on his partner, you decide that you will play in Mrs. Miggin's team next year. Yes you will lose rather than win, but right now you feel up to the challenge of doing the right thing.

Aquarius: M is on holiday - and we were too lazy to fill it in today!

Pisces: No horoscope today as I've been watching football and marking exams. Service will resume when I'm finished doing that and am at liberty to gaze at the sun (our closest star) and tell you what's going to happen. Aside: Note to self, make it clearer to the kids that the sun is a star.