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Aries: On Thursday you will start to suspect that the real reason for Jim and Sarah continually winning the handicapped pairs event is that they have found a way to hack into the club's top secret super-secure computer records and are changing their handicap. Are they MI5 agents sent to infiltrate the club? Now you think about it, their story about being married but using different names doesn't quite ring true. Another 24 hour surveillance project might be in order.

Taurus: Government stats suggest that by 2030, the average adult will be retired. So the bridge club is actually a glorious vision of the future!

Gemini: You were not picked for the county team because the selectors have no idea about anything at all. They are idiots and we all know it. For the record, these are your views, and I'm simply publishing them online; I think the county selectors are delightful folk, hugely insightful and great as social company.

Cancer: I've been looking at the stars, but I've also been drinking, so the only advice I can give you today is that I've always wanted to tell you that you look really, really good in that blue shirt you have. You know, the shiny one.

Leo: After winning the county cup on Sunday you will go out for a few drinks and recount the pivotal hands with your team mates, spirits riding high. According to your stars, you will be "having problems that need to be dealt with." I recommend, as a horoscope writer, that you just go for it and have a blast, forgetting about what the stars are saying.

Virgo: Screaming "yes! Yes! YES!" when you drop the singleton king off-side in 6X, making the contract, will really get tongues wagging on Monday. They will say things like "If that's what she's like at the card table, how much noise does she make when thinking of England while trying not to look bored?"

Libra: You feel annoyed and frustrated that things are not working out the way you would have liked. This will improve, however, when you realise that had things worked out the way you were hoping, half of the local club members would have been shipped off to Iceland and forced to sort fish is sub-zero temperatures until they died of frostbite. Not a very nice prospect really — though 4 really was easy to find on board seven.

Scorpio: It's time to start feeding your body, mind and soul with 3NT contracts. It is the righteous contract, after all, and you haven't been bidding it enough lately.

Sagittarius: Everyone seems to have their eyes on you at the moment. Someone thinks you psyche too much. There is another who thinks you look into their cards when you declare. But almost everyone thinks you are loud, arrogant and rude.

Capricorn: Communication problems seem to be the order of the day. Setting up suits while retaining the entries to cash them later will be a real bother this week. Keep a hawkish eye on your tens and nines and the problems may well be overcome.

Aquarius: Life for you has changed over past year. You have a new job and a new love. Maybe it's also time to change something in your game. I know there are a lot of things that should be changed but for me it's the leading unsupported kings thing you do. I mean, what is that all about anyway?

Pisces: I was listening to an old record, 2, 4, 6, 8 Motorway by the Tom Robinson Band, and it suddenly reminded me of those Dodds discards you play. Ahh, all those great scores I've gotten off you thanks to your slavish devotion to it and your true-carding ethics. I guess I've never really thanked you for that.