Horoscopes

Day 43

Aries: When only memory remains, you will remember everything. And when you remember everything, you won't forget to JUST DRAW THE LAST TRUMP YOU MUPPET. Now all that remains in memories of what was and might have been.

Taurus: If you are praying for the end of time, your reasons might seem strange. Release? Fulfilment? Absolution? None of these, but just to inflict your pain on everyone else. When I wrote 'I feel your pain' that just wasn't what I meant.

Gemini: If you want to play [insert poor convention here] you can — it's a free world baby! But the stars are telling me that you'll do very badly just as soon as everybody realises the simple defence of doubling your last bid every time.

Cancer: So you're moving about three thousand, five hundred miles away. Bit of an over reaction to my comment that you played badly last night, no?

Leo: Your sentence, for the crime of loving bridge, is a lifetime of sitting in silent rooms, slowly watching your fellows die off. And it is my sentence, too.

Virgo: Dubbed as a loser, Mr. Jennings will be a winner of the county pairs on Sunday. As you and your counterparts don't understand what eating humble pie is, you will just sit around bitching about the luck that must have gone into his winning the event.

Libra: Did I thank you for the feelings that you left me? Next time you sit at a table with me, don't talk about me in the third person to your partner and mine. Then I might talk to you again — or at least try to be civil.

Scorpio: After a raging argument about the meaning of a takeout double, your partner will mysteriously disappear and later be found at the bottom of a cliff. I think it's time you moved on to another bridge club again, don't you agree?

Sagittarius: It's a Saturday and you have to go into work. Bummer. Don't worry, the pixie in the corner of the room who doesn't come out during the week will be there for you. To invoke the magic and bring peace to your day just say, out loud, four times: "We'll drink a drink a drink, to Lily the Pink the Pink the Pink."

Capricorn:
Brian: Last night we said a great many things. You said I was to do the thinking for both of us. Well, I've done a lot of it since then, and it all adds up to one thing: you're playing in that congress with Geoffrey where you belong.
Nevena: But, Brian, no, I... I...
Brian: Now, you've got to listen to me! You have any idea what you'd have to look forward to if you stayed here? Nine chances out of ten, we'd both wind up in the B-flight. Isn't that true, John?
John: I'm afraid Mister Bavin would insist.
Nevena: You're saying this only to make me go.
Brian: I'm saying it because it's true. Inside of us, we both know you belong with Geoffrey. You're part of his team, the thing that keeps him going. If that director calls the move and you're not with him, you'll regret it. Maybe not today. Maybe not tomorrow, but soon and until the Swiss Teams finishes next Sunday.
Nevena: But what about us?
Brian: We'll always have Bournemouth. We didn't have, we, we lost it until you came to Brighton. We got it back last night.
Nevena: When I said I would never leave you.
Brian: And you never will. But I've got a job to do, too. Where I'm going, you can't follow. What I've got to do, you can't be any part of. Nevena, I'm no good at being noble, but it doesn't take much to see that the problems of three little people don't amount to a hill of beans in this crazy world. Someday you'll understand that. Now, now... Here's looking at you kid.

Aquarius: How many pennies do you have on you right now? That is the number of lovers you will have during your lifetime. Miss Bainbridge, the 80-year-old spinster who looks after the petty cash at the bridge club, is going to go out with a bang!

Pisces: If David Cronenberg made a film about the Harrogate Congress, who would play Jim Procter?