Horoscopes

Day 1

Aries: Your regular parking space will be taken by old Mrs. Howard on Tuesday: the down sides to your spade psyche are only now becoming apparent.

Taurus: Just before leaving for bridge on Tuesday night, your partner will phone and say he can't play. Your silly and predictable response of "Oh, I've known that for years," and subsequent chuckle will cause you to choke on a slice of cucumber. This experience will be life changing.

Gemini: You will be dummy a lot over the next month. Sorry.

Cancer: Your partner either doesn't understand, or doesn't pay attention, to your discards. Logically he is either stupid or lazy. Truly, a balanced partnership!

Leo: Today is a good day to pass a cue bid.

Virgo: Destiny wears a battered coat and squeezes you mercilessly.

Libra: As the full moon rises in your sign, you will feel an increasing urge to howl at partner.

Scorpio: The important contract of Thursday's session will be the 2D+1 contract that could make a second overtrick if you endplay east: the field will be making 6 hearts.

Sagittarius: If I told you that every time you pre-empt next week you will find partner with ill-fitting defensive 12 counts would it stop you pre-empting? Yes? Ok then, every time you pre-empt next week you will find partner with an ill-fitting defensive 12 count.

Capricorn: Take note: the maxim "8 ever, 9 never" is not an absolute insistance that you drink 8 pints of beer before starting play.

Aquarius: This week you are full of energy. Work hard, try your best, and you may achieve Poor Bridge of the Week.

Pisces: As your personal planet Jupiter shifts, you will become uncomfortably aware that your partners despise you.