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Aries: Well done for spotting the double squeeze. Pity you couldn't have found it at the table rather than double dummy in the bar afterwards. Unlucky on board 5, I guess, but you should really have counted the trump suit properly.

Taurus: Your declarer play defies words — let me express it with music: untune your guitar, plug it in to a large Marshall amp, then strum it rapidly. Nice!

Gemini: It's your birthday today, the weather will be mild, the stars will shine brightly in the night sky and little Jimmy Crocket, the lame boy from down the road, will walk again. A purple-clad minstrel will play some Cat Stevens as you walk by the Waterstones in town and something bridge-related will happen too, just to keep this horoscope entry on topic. Man, these are getting specific aren't they!

Cancer: There is a saying bridge is a bidder's game. This is not an excuse for bidding with any old toss. Otherwise the saying would be bridge is a going off lots in rubbish contracts game.

Leo: Pretentious rubbish will be spouted in the bar after the game on Tuesday night. You could nod and smile, knowingly, or you could expose the nonsense by questioning the meaning of the phrase 'the implied fit guarantees a total tricks protected sacrifice over the bid-to-make game'. But is it rubbish or true?

Virgo: It will be difficult to get to bridge on Wednesday due to your ankle injury, incurred when playing football. Our advice is to avoid physical exercise and get fat playing bridge and drinking beer.

Libra: Instead of binge drinking next week you will try binge bridge playing and play every evening and two afternoons. Will you ever learn? No, apparently not — hair of the dog bridge does not make the hangover go away.

Scorpio: You will discover rubber bridge for money at the weekend. You will also discover that your poor play costs real money and not just match points and partner's good will.

Sagittarius: It's a crazy world we live in. Crazy politicians hiking up taxes and then closing hospitals, crazy lawyers arguing every ridiculous case, and crazy partners who describe your low level doubles as 'for penalties' when they hold six cards in the opponent's suit.

Capricorn: LHO is not an angel rescuing your evening, he is incompetent and simply can't resist bidding himself to the four level, vulnerable, and then going for 1100.

Aquarius: If you cheered up, I think that people wouldn't peg you as a miserable so-and-so. If you lightened up, people would enjoy playing with you. But with the stars being as they are, I guess you're fixed playing with dour partners and irritated opponents.

Pisces: You can complain about my poorbridge.com articles by e-mailing me. But don't expect a response. Unless it's a sarcastic rebuttal.