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Aries: Your partner played terribly tonight. His opening leads were always costly, his declarer play insane, his competitive bidding bore no relation to his cards at all and he over-used the penalty double to dramatic effect. But you have to admit that you haven't had that much fun at the bridge table in ages! In the future you won't mind so much when your regular partner gets held up on the M40 and you're forced to play with crazy old Mr Debbins — he might tell you more about his sexual adventures from the 1920s!

Taurus: You start to doubt the rock of your faith on Friday when every single 4-4 fit plays for fewer tricks than the corresponding no-trump contract. No matter how often you repeat in your head the fact that those major fits should score better, the results don't bare this out. Could you have been wrong all this time? Was everything they told you a lie? Until Saturn moves back through the Moja, these doubts will persist.

Gemini: Next month you will get a new job in a foreign country with a different language, culture and cuisine. The transition will go flawlessly and you will settle in quickly to start an exciting phase of your life. Finding a new bridge partner, you realise, will be a far more difficult proposition.

Cancer: A broken heart is all you will be left with on Saturday. Well, that and enough change to buy a large Whopper meal, which will contribute to your heart actually being broken in 10 years time. I wouldn't mention it here, only you will be playing a very involved 1NTXX contract when you have that heart attack. Interestingly it will be the first re-doubled 1NT contract you will play in the next ten years — mostly due to the warning in this horoscope entry.

Leo: Your ancient computer will finally give up the ghost this weekend and you'll have to buy a new one. You realise with regret that you will have to be more creative in future when you explain to your partner why you misplayed another hand on BBO.

Virgo: Good things, like buses, will come in threes this week. A winning score in the Tuesday night duplicate, a win in the third round of the county knockout, and an invitation to play with the club's star player in Sunday's invitational pairs event. Sadly, your good week will be spoilt by that third bus which you won't see until after you hear its breaks screech. A pre-emptive 'get well soon' from everyone at poorbridge.com.

Libra: On attending your regular bridge partner's birthday bash it dawns on you that he has been lying all these years. He always claimed to be a Gemini but is in fact a Taurus. This actually comes as quite a relief, because it means that the total lack of significant bridge achievements over the last 30 years wasn't down to your ability at all but an incompatibility in the stars.

Scorpio: Sitting alone at home isn't so bad. It lets you get on with all that reading that you always thought you really should do. And you could always watch some stuff on the old idiot box. But that's just what they think you are, an idiot. That's why they only ask you to play when they can't get anyone else. Is another glass of wine going to make you feel better? No, but it well help you vent at the wall.

Sagittarius: The old dears at the local bridge club adore you. They think you're a lovely polite young man and are always asking if your job is going well and if you're eating enough vegetables. This dynamic will turn a little sour on Thursday, though, when you finally discover what happened to all the attractive barmaids you've been flirting with at the bridge club over the last year.

Capricorn: If I didn't know better then I'd say that your play has actually gotten worse since reading that card play book. The scary thing is, I don't really know better, I just pretend when I write the horoscope. So actually your play probably is getting worse. Er, wait until your star sign travels through the lunar offal-marker and then re-read the book, paying close attention to the part about counting the hand this time.

Aquarius: It's only while driving home after the match that you realise you should have made 6 in the last set. It's ok, the train was still half a mile away from the level crossing at the time you ran through the barriers. And if the police following you now are bridge players, you might even get away with it...

Pisces: You shouldn't be having those kinds of dreams — it's not healthy or normal. In real life playing Precision takes a lot of work and discussion with partner. It certainly doesn't just work out straight away like in the movies.