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Aries: Did you throw the first stone? Was your bidding so good on the hand that partner should have gotten to the right slam? Were your sarcastic words really justified? I'd have thought that you make enough mistakes to refrain, but that really isn't important right now: you have to play with partner in the evening session and boy does he look pissed.

Taurus: The strong club player mocks his Acol counterpart: how long will you simple ones love your simple ways? Well, as long as there are no misunderstandings and embarrassing systems errors is my guess.

Gemini: The post-congress chat will take a turn for the surreal when, instead of dissecting every hand in excruciating detail, you end up arguing about the various merits of milk vs cheese. This will be a welcome change of pace, although it will concern you that so many of your peers really believe that cheese is better than milk.

Cancer: Today you notice that the horoscope is blank. Could this be a subtle puzzle that you're expected to solve? A profound statement on the intrinsic emptiness of human existence? No — Michael just forgot to upload the next set of horoscopes on time.

Leo: You will be torn tonight between playing bridge and watching football on the telly. You reason that you can play bridge any time, but you can only watch the big match tonight. But your logic is completely back-to-front: you can tape the game and watch it after the bridge, and you can't really play bridge anyway.

Virgo: You notice that all the members of the team that won the county Swiss teams are over six feet tall. Does size matter when playing bridge, you wonder? Are your poor scores due to your small stature?

Libra: Your choice of partner for the Sunday congress will be a source of regret: had you held out for a better player to partner you, you wouldn't have attended the congress at all and thus spared yourself a whole day of irritatingly poor bridge.

Scorpio: If you are feeling good about yourself at the moment, it is because your stars are in a lunar orbit that means that everything is going right. If you are not feeling good at the moment, it is because your stars are travelling though Virgo and giving you bad karma. I can't be bothered to look at the charts to find out where your stars are today, as I have a game to get to.

Sagittarius: Your desire for action at the bridge table will get you into trouble if you don't show restraint. Take a long hard look at the vulnerability before you pull out the stop card, and sort the hand into suits before you make the bid.

Capricorn: I'm sure I've made this point before, but it is worth repeating: psyching has its place in the game, but not half way though a teaching session on responding to one no-trump openings.

Aquarius: Oh you're so clever, aren't you! I mean really, your superior intellect means that you never pull out the wrong card or revoke. And all that eloquent musing about how the opponents might have done better, especially sharing them uninvited with oppo — that was truly brilliant! [/sarcasm]

Pisces: Your friends are scoring up in what is known to be a tight match. Here's a tip: don't go over and ask them how it's gone while they are still scoring, and if their captain hangs his head, steer well clear.