Day 1 Day 2 Day 3 Day 4 Day 5 Day 6 Day 7 Day 8 Day 9 Day 10 Day 11 Day 12 Day 13 Day 14 Day 15 Day 16 Day 17 Day 18 Day 19 Day 20 Day 21 Day 22 Day 23 Day 24 Day 25 Day 26 Day 27 Day 28 Day 29 Day 30 Day 31 Day 32 Day 33 Day 34 Day 35 Day 36 Day 37 Day 38 Day 39 Day 40 Day 41 Day 42 Day 43 Day 44 Day 45 Day 46 Day 47 Day 48 Day 49 Day 50 Day 51 Day 52 Day 53 Day 54 Day 55 Day 56 Day 57 Day 58 Day 59

Aries: I can't actually see the stars tonight, as it's really cloudy, so I don't know what's likely to happen to you. But what I do know is that £15.99 is a good price for broad-band internet access.

Taurus: Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound, that saved a wretch like... wait a minute, you were saved by a club blockage that was completely avoidable if the defence played like human beings.

Gemini: With a hand like mine, you'd be passing. Well, OK, with a hand like mine, 99.9% of players would be passing. I guess you would overcall 2. And your stars will be lucky this month — undoubled over and over again, creating a string of (only) -200s!

Cancer: You will fail to make the proper adjustments in your game on Tuesday: At tables 3-7 you actually should believe partner's bidding over the opponents.

Leo: If you can't remember the responses to your modified Romex convention-thingy, the stars suggest that this could be a good week to give up on it and play something simpler.

Virgo: Partner is likely to get worked up at the slightest provocation this week, and this will lead to her walking out of the club before the last round can be completed. As you'll have to answer the question "what did you say to her?" about 20 times, I suggest thinking up something entertaining right now, before you even get there.

Libra: Bar prices are on the rise again. You shouldn't have missed last week's committee meeting on the grounds that you wanted to watch football.

Scorpio: The appeals committee will decide that the director got the decision right and make no further correction to the score. You feel hurt: you had nothing to do with the hand at all, and they didn't ask you to be on the committee — and with all that experience you have, too!

Sagittarius: Your horoscope is very important today. To find out more, ring 07879 44387 (Calls cost £3 per minute, €6 from the Republic of Ireland and mainland Europe. Customer's notion of 'very important' may vary from those running this hotline).

Capricorn: Sod's Law will apply on Saturday. For players in serious competitions this means a lot of unfortunate layouts in your tight contracts, while social players will sit as dummy a lot, opposite a very grumpy (and sober) partner.

Aquarius: Partner will turn up at the club about five minutes late Monday and say 'sorry'. You know he isn't sorry at all: he always turns up at the last minute or a little late. Demand he turns up earlier in future!

Pisces: Damn partner and his inability to pass! How is one to put pressure on opponents if partner hangs you every time?