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Aries: As the eye lids drop over your bloodshot, insomniac eyes just remember that taking part in a sponsored 24-hour charity bridge event is optional. I chose to sleep instead, and then donate some cash to charity. And I think I feel better for it. Thanks!

Taurus: Do you ever think about dying? Well, it's a bit like getting the entries wrong and being stuck in dummy when you have to be in hand to take the finesse. Basically, there is nothing you can do, and you're a bit screwed.

Gemini: As your star sign moves though Capricorn, you will start to crave cod and chips for dinner. No, no, no. North sea cod stocks are dangerously low, and it's up to all readers of poorbridge.com to help by switching to hake (if it must be fish), or choosing alternatives!

Cancer: As my opponent, I am required to hate you, and feel the desire to defeat you at all costs. I want you to know, I do not feel it in my heart.

Leo: "Somebody" has asked me to tell you, via this column, that "I agree with the 1 overcall, because it's matchpoints, and the suit is spades. But, I reckon you would have done it with hearts and/or at IMPs." You will know who you are, apparently, and that will make sense.

Virgo: What is the difference between a recurring dream and a perpetual nightmare? The position of the trump king in a match-shifting grand slam.

Libra: Aside: Are you content?

Scorpio: At the wake, notice the three men who are not drinking. Are they wise men? Drivers? Or simply mourning the lack of a fourth?

Sagittarius: Paranoid? I'm not. I know the truth, which is that a man's life starts, lasts a short while, and then he dies and is returned to the dust to be remembered no more. So worrying if "they are all out to get me" is both pointless and a bit petty.

Capricorn: Watching the phone, wondering why your partner hasn't called you, isn't a constructive activity. Move on. Meet new people. Get a different partner. A more reliable partner. One who doesn't insist on playing Romex; one who doesn't always lead doubletons; one who doesn't leave the toilet seat up.

Aquarius: It's rant time! That means me going on about how a certain person keeps picking teams that bear no relationship to the people who turn up to club meetings, and you sending letters to a certain author who starts paragraphs with the word "but". We are so alike!

Pisces: Religious Education (R.E.): my partner is an inconsiderate loudmouth.
Philosophical Studies (P.S.): Find someone else to play with, or live with it, but don't go on and on about it, especially not to me.