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Aries: Today it will rain. Amazed, aren't you. You're thinking: those guys at poorbridge.com are really freaking me out with their voodoo powers of prediction! And now you're thinking: What the heck? They even know what I'm thinking! Get out of my mind you devils!

Taurus: Sigh. If only you'd bid 4 on Tuesday night, how different things would be. The world would seem brighter; food would taste sweeter; your co-worker's laugh would sound less abrasive; and little Timmy Blomqvist would be able to walk again. Shame, eh.

Gemini: Bridge needs an image boost, some sex appeal. What we need is a bridge player to start dating Carmen Electra. Any volunteers?

Cancer: Did you know that a pea is technically a fruit? Puts that classic kids TV showThe Poddington Peas into perspective, doesn't it.

Leo: 6. Clear-cut. Only an idiot would do something else. Unless clubs are 5-0, in which case I pass. Clear-cut.

Virgo: "You hold Ace-Jack-One, King fourth, four low, Ace-King tight. Partner opens a strong no-trump. And you?"
"What are my spades?"
"Ace-Jack-One."
"Ace-Jack one what?"
"A low card. It doesn't matter. Call it the two."
"Cool. What are the hearts?"
"King fourth."
"I guess I transfer to hearts then."
"With only four?"
"Four low cards and the King!"
"No, four cards including the King. King Ex Ex Ex. King Five Four Three. Whatever!"
"Hmm, ok then. How many points have I got?"
"15!"
"I'd better open 1NT then I suppose. Unless we play weak."
"Your partner has already opened 1NT!!!"
"Ah, I forgot about that. What were my spades again?"

You will have this conversation tonight. I'm preparing you now so that you don't murder the other person in frustration. Think calm thoughts and eventually they'll bid 2.

Libra: Why not take a good friend to a Yankees game today?

Scorpio: 5 Bridge Chat-Up Lines:
1. If I told you you had a nice convention card, would you hold it against me?
2. Is your Dad a thief? Because he stole the stars out of the sky and put them in your self-supporting spade suit.
3. Get your coat, love, 'cos I believe it has the list of tournament directors who we can call for a ruling in it.
4. You have nice 2 and 2 overcalls of our strong club, what time do they open?
5. Are you from Jamaica? No? 'Cos your jamaicing me want to lead a club against your revealing auction to what seems like a pretty tight 6 contract.

Sagittarius: Why don't you try mixing it up tonight. Yeah, that's right — it's time to wheel out your Texan accent. I know things went horribly, tragically, wrong on the last occasion but we think enough time has passed now.

Capricorn: Today you will realise that Victor Mollo's famous characters are actually humans with funny names — it's not set in Willy Fog's world of anthropomorphic animals after all. Shame.

Aquarius: Oh, what's the point. If I tell you not to lead a spade — that Aquarians and spade leads do not go well together today — are you really going to avoid spade leads? Like hell you will. Why do I even bother.

Pisces: They're releasing a Duplicate Bridge Club expansion pack for The Sims which, as awesome as it sounds, wouldn't be as good as if it had been an expansion pack for Halo 2.