You sit down opposite the club's poorest pair and while you wait for those luscious boards brimming with computer dealt goodness they begin to discuss their system, as though it somehow varies from night to night having played at the peak of poorness together three times a week for at least five years. Words like Gerber and cue biddy things and questions about whether 4 is Gerber if the opponents bid clubs first. The boards finally arrive and we pick the cards up to find the layout below.

Two tables bid 4 and made 10 tricks exactly. Ok 11 is cold, but we've all seen poor play before, right? Probably an over-ruff in hearts or drawing all the trumps and blocking the diamonds after removing entries. I don't know, but these are only minor errors compared to the horrors that follow. There were two other scores, both in no trumps and both making 6.

On the table I was watching during our sit-out, the bidding went 1 from West; 1 from East; 1NT from West; signed off in 3NT by East. The lead made out of turn of the A was accepted, and North felt obliged to unblock the Queen (to show a doubleton). South continued a small heart and soon after twelve tricks were cashed.

[Hold on just one dog-gawn minute! In the chaos of all the poorness, Adam has omitted to make any comment on this bidding. West opened 1 and then rebid 1NT with his unbalanced 8-count? Ok, you can carry on now — I just wanted to get in there with a big 'Huh?' —Ed]

On the table where I was in defence we had the auction:

My partner kicked things off with a small heart — West bemoaning that they weren't playing a transfer to diamonds — to my Queen whereupon the defence cashed five heart tricks. That's right folks, five! You see, declarer felt that this was the time to revoke twice and pitched three spades from dummy and a spade and a diamond from hand. My partner and I exchanged puzzled stares across the table as neither of us could work out where the 13th heart went. I pitched the 9 to encourage clubs and then the 2 and 4. Partner returned the J and declarer cashed her remaining three top spades, discarding two diamonds from dummy as my partner discarded a club. This left the following situation.

Declarer now decided to cash the A and play a small club to the King. I played the 7 and J and now I could count declarer's points, so when she led the 10 I knew my partner held the Ace, or so I thought, so I inserted the Jack. Declarer apparently knew it too, because the Jack held! I cashed the last club — six tricks made.