Once upon a time, we wrote of the joy that is playing in the local league Division Two, where poorbridge runs about unfettered. We ended by asking (with a little drool forming at the edges of the mouth) what it would be like in Division Five, but was this all wrong? Should we have been thinking bigger and asking what it would be like in the top Division? Could it be that the standard of poorbridge would rise in proportion to the standard of player? Here's Nick Doe with a tale from Division One — I'll leave you to decide.

You hold the following tasty collection as South at Red at teams:-

RHO passes so you bid 1. Pard responds 1. Now I have no particular argument with you if you want to rebid 3 on this little lot, although it seems a tad shy of a game force to me. Much depends on what pard might have dredged up 1 on. Do you see the solution? You don't want to bid 3, and you're much too good for 2, so you make a strongish-sounding but non-forcing bid. 2NT? No, you can't do that, partner might think you only had four hearts. So 3 it is.

Partner tries a carefree 4 so you bid 4, and partner produces a rather less carefree, indeed somewhat laboured, 4. Now at this point some might think that they have perhaps reached a playable spot, albeit by rather unorthodox means, and quite apart from any ethical considerations after partner's slow 4, some might even hope that 4 would lead to an early claim for ten or eleven tricks, thus perhaps distracting attention from what you actually hold for this auction.

So what is the best line in 6 when LHO leads the 6 after some thought and dummy produces:-

Sorry, what was that? You want to know how they got to 6? Really? Oh all right then, South just bid it over 4.

Now 6 is not a very good contract, it has to be said. 6 has lots of chances if you can play the trumps for one loser, particularly if a diamond isn't led through the AQ, but 6 needs a miracle. Still, no point giving up yet.

You run the 6 round to the A 5, trying to look like a woman with the stiff Ace, and lo and behold the King pops up on your right. Suddenly, 6 is stone cold provided the trumps are 3-3, so you bash out three rounds... Not so fast, there is a twist I haven't yet mentioned. This is the first board of the second half of the match, and you are 50 down. What better way to undermine the oppo than by giving them a chance to let the slam through? The resulting recriminations will clearly be worth much more than the 13 IMPs you stand to gain by just mundanely making your slam.

So with some notion of picking up Q10x of trumps on your right, or RHO failing to cover from Qxx (trying for the overtrick already, I see) you cross to the A, noting LHO's 10 (as they say in all the best books) and run the J. Unfortunately, this loses. LHO cogitates. Surely he must realise he can give his partner a spade ruff. Instead, he tries the alternative method of beating the contract by exiting with a low club. This of course takes out your late entry to the long spades. So you probably have to take the club finesse (better odds than bringing down Qxx offside, in view of the spade position), or rise with the King and take the diamond finesse. The latter looks better as the Q appears to be offside.

Unfortunately you can't work out which to do, so you do neither. K, diamond to the Ace, ruff a diamond, ruff a club, draw trumps (they were 3-3), spade to the Ten (RHO is void as expected), Q throwing your penultimate diamond, but that's it. Except that on the club ruff the Queen drops on your left, so the J is your twelfth trick.

Now I have to admit that the idiot defender in the West seat was yours truly, but wouldn't it have been a spectacular Grosvenor if declarer had taken the losing diamond finesse?

This was the full deal:

In view of the relatively restrained reaction of my partner (let's call him Smith) to this nonsense I will refrain from publicising his suboptimal defence to a cold 1NT earlier in the match.