It's never easy playing online bridge, especially when you're known like I am (it's easy being a green keylime). Often you sit down and you get an unknown who, like you, is hoping to find a strand of competence in the abyss of ineptitude. Sadly, during individuals, all the village idiots come out it seems. Recently I rediscovered why I play indys hardly at all — maybe it's the fear of being passed in Blackwood, the anxiety of pard bidding like crazy over your weak two which to them is a strong two, or maybe the fact that they feel that 2NT is a great bid at all times.

Here are two hands, one which I played, one which I witnessed, involving a French expert whose handle name started with the word that Robin Williams would say during "Mork and Mindy". Scary. Even more nuts is the fact that you're going to partner him or her or it or whatever for a board.

You're dealt this assortment in first chair, MP, all sides NV:

In real life you may or may not open this but online in an indy, you'd better open anything that moves. 1. LHO overcalls 1, and pard chimes in unpassed with a 2 call. RHO picks up the plot with a 3 bump.

Back to you. You're hoping that pard actually has a real 2 call over there otherwise the abacus will be needed. Since we're on a minimum, it's best to tell pard. You double to say it's "our hand" but no fit with pard.

Pard finds a 4 freebid. Nice. Pard has a "real hand". You bid 5 eager to support, and then you hear 5. Surely clubs are trumps and pard's asking about the diamond situation; you've doubled 3 on the premise of lack of fit for hearts and pard's kept bidding. You bid 6. Pass, pass and RHO doubles. You pass, hoping pard hasn't bid this way on three dead in diamonds or bad trumps.

Pard now saves you from your mostly cold slam (it takes an unlikely diamond lead to beat it) by bidding....yep, 6. Doubled so fast that it was not pretty. I calmly excuse myself while hearing pard griping that I didn't rebid 3NT at my first turn. Sighs. We managed, by the way, to go down 4 for a zero. This was the full deal:

So you decide, because you really want to see if they had a bad board or are just plain bad, to watch this board:

In third seat you're holding, all white:

After two passes, most anyone with a pulse opens something in clubs. Not our Frenchman; they skillfully table a pass to have this auction develop:

Back to you. Pard's chimed in with 2. RHO bid a nonforcing (we hope) 2 and you get to decide what to do. Surely you'll bid clubs, right...? No our dork with a Mork fascination DOUBLES 2. Yes, double. I know, I had to breathe myself at this juncture and imbibe my Smirnoff Vanilla with Coke.

It only gets better though:

Back to you again. You'd think that either pard's overcall is on total crap, or RHO is not listening to the 1NT bidder. So you decide, at the four level, to introduce clubs, to escape down 1 doubled when the 1NT bidder comes to the rescue with 4 to end the auction. Undoubled!

Now to the defence. You're on lead. Surely you're firing an Ace at the pot right?

Nope. We lead the 3 and dummy comes down:

Declarer wins the Ace, pard encourages. Trump from the board losing to your Ace. Surely you're leading your other heart to get your ruff in right? Nope. We now play the A, K, then heart exit, to get the heart ruff. We've now endplayed ourselves by cashing out. So we passively exit another club. Declarer decides to join in the duncesky parade — they ruff and get overruffed by the 7 from the heart overcaller. Nice. All in all, 4 undoubled, down 4.

I hope that this is a good candidate for poorbridge's column. I'm still laughing about it.