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Here's introducing the new poorbridge.com Hire a Poor Bridge Professional scheme. With our unique service you can set aside all your inhibitions as you play with someone worse than you for once. There's no better cure for an inferiority complex than a big fat dose of superiority!

Due to the sensitive nature of their line of business we do not publish pictures and real names of our employees on the web. Their profiles are below. If, on first meeting your poor bridge partner, you feel that they do not meet your expectations then you are free to terminate the arrangement without penalty.

"JOHN" has been playing bridge badly for forty years. He is the only known player to have driven three regular partners to take their own lives — though, since the bodies were never found (just suicide notes scribbled on the backs of scorecards from 30% sessions), it is widely speculated that they faked their deaths and fled to Australia. John has been in the industry for a number of years now and has perfected the art of being a poor bridge partner: for him it is not just about the bridge — it is about the thrill of discovery that comes with every new client. John is renowned for his over-analysis and can always be counted on to go off in a cold contract while looking for a squeeze. He is the type of player who, in 7NT and with 13 top tricks, would rectify the count in order to engineer a strip squeeze and endplay for down two.

"BARRY", who also goes by the names "Paul", "Jason", "Stuart", "Mark" and "Skip", is perfect for a first timer. He knows how to put a new bridge partner at his ease with a jovial manner and knack for kicking off a session with a spectacular zero. If you're not criticising him on the very first board then we'll give you your money back! The youngest of our professionals, Barry has nevertheless been on the poor bridge scene for over five years and has had many failures in his relatively short career. In the 2002 BGB Gold Cup he broke all records when his team was knocked out after just four boards and in 2004 he recorded the only known 8% scorecard in the history of the WBF World Simultaneous Pairs. He is married to Shirley, who is a terrible bridge player but not of international quality.

"JENNY" rose to stardom in the 1992 Easter Guardian with her unprecedented ducking plays. The legend goes that she had read an article the night before about ducking to cut defensive communications and took this as far as it had ever gone before. This gave rise to the classic Jenny Combination. How do you play the following for 3 tricks?

The answer is simple, when playing against Jenny. You cash the Jack, cash the 10 and then cash the Ace. Jenny is originally from the USA, has played a strong No Trump her whole life and is a perfect match for anybody wanting to play a weak No Trump. Another of Jenny's claims to fame is that she has appeared in more Poor Bridge of the Week than anybody else — but has not once been named.

"RIIKKA", our fourth member, is a fiery Finn who does not speak a word of English. Your usual bidding misunderstandings will seem as nothing compared to hers, or her dinner misunderstandings, coffee misunderstandings, hotel misunderstandings, bread misunderstandings — the list is endless. What is remarkable is that she has lived in Britain for 25 years and is married to an Englishman, such is the dedication to her craft. Riikka was only four when she passed her first cue bid and by the time she was 18 had put her partners in over ten thousand transfer bids (and she keeps meticulous accounts). She also holds the record for the longest run of NICKO games without a win — it only came to an end when her team faced John's team in a freak 2001 first-round draw. John is currently just four years away from the record and Riika's only chance to stop him overtaking her is to hope they draw each other soon and for him to beat her. When that day comes the world, I'm sure, will be holding its breath.

All hirings of our professionals are subject to terms and conditions. Payment is for bridge services only and any chess, backgammon or euchre that takes place afterwards is between consenting adults only and not endorsed by this site. Payment must be made in advance. For full price list and further details of our professionals, email xebon@poorbridge.com.

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